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Old 22-10-2010, 05:31 PM   #1
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How do you deal with salesmen...

How do you deal with them, emailing, calling or turning up at your door..

I personally like to play with them, if i get any emails from companies asking for feedback on their software ive downloaded a trial of.. I tend to reply as a bit of a wind up. Only ever do one a week, just for a laugh.. It's great when they reply.. Everyone should do it at least once..

Example of the latest one:

From ComponentOne about their Document > Help conversion software

Quote:
Andrew,

My name is Brad Keller and I am a Documentation Product Consultant here at ComponentOne. Two months ago, you downloaded a 30-day trial of our award-winning product, Doc-To-Help.

I wanted to check in with you and see how your evaluation went and if you had any questions regarding the software.

Please let me know.

Thanks!
Brad
My Reply to ComponentOne

Quote:
Hi Brad,

What a refreshing email, it's not often i get something like this from a company like yourself. It has a real personal touch about it.

Unfortunately, the news i have for you is not good.

Upon installing your software i began to get a headache, while completely unrelated to Doc-To-Help i can't help but blame you for this.

Once installed, i proceeded to try out the software. I was blown away, it was like rediscovering functions and options i've never discovered before.. Wait a min.. Nevermind..

After about 5 minutes of pretending i knew what i was doing, a gigantic worm like creature crawled from out of my PC.. Claiming it had been sent by ComponentOne and if i didn't buy your software a grave tragedy would befall me, since i don't take worms seriously, i was undeterred and decided against purchasing it.

10 minutes in i realized that while your application was stead fast, nimble and did exactly what it sets out to do.... I'm cheap..

Thanks,
Andrew

p.s: I'm keeping the worm.
A further reply from ComponentOne

Quote:
Andrew,

OK. I can say that your e-mail was very entertaining, but I am also very confused. Iím going to go all middle school on this oneÖ

Which box would you check?

1. The software was too difficult to use and I hate you guys.
2. I love the software, but itís too expensive.

Please let me know.

Thanks!
Brad
My last reply to ComponentOne:

Quote:
Hi Brad,

Whats behind door number 3?

It's difficult to sum up my feelings for Doc-To-Help in one line, i must not do you the injustice of a half hearted response. I've no doubt my feedback is invaluable to you. It means i must turn to personal experience to convey my opinion.

It's was like holding my son for the first time... I'll explain.. From the very beginning.

Downloading it was easy, although i think your website was left dissatified at the rate in which it was transferred. A virus scan confirmed everything was ok to proceed, i was relieved.

Installation started to take place, this took longer than i had hoped and seemed incredibley resource heavy on my PC. Once complete, i can only describe it as one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life. Documentation to help conversion software, i could hardly believe my luck.

These feelings soon changed.

I began to realize that while this new found gift was both magical and a blessing from god, the trial period was soon to expire. A yearly license cost was inevitable. Since i had only experienced a fraction of what the software had to offer, i would no doubt hit areas where the software would not do what i expected it to.

Fortunately for me, uninstalling the software was an option. As i had not become attached to it.

I hope this helps.

Andrew
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Old 22-10-2010, 08:33 PM   #2
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

Hah that's awesome, reminds me of 27bslash6

http://www.27bslash6.com/cups.html
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Old 22-10-2010, 08:58 PM   #3
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

hahah love it :P
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Old 23-10-2010, 05:22 PM   #4
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Tony View Post
Hah that's awesome, reminds me of 27bslash6

http://www.27bslash6.com/cups.html
How on earth have i missed that? you're a star Fat Tony.. I've not laughed that hard in a long time, those email exchanges are incredible. Just ordered his book.
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Old 23-10-2010, 08:18 PM   #5
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

He's the man behind the infamous seven-legged spider email exchange. He is HILARIOUS, one of my favorite bloggers.
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Old 28-10-2010, 08:17 PM   #6
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

'K, I might as well share mine from just now.

I had one of those stupid emails that are about horny chicks wanting to get all up on your jock where they then clearly intend to move on to steal your money or **** your mother or whatever. Anyway. Normally I delete them and move on, and indeed I did, but then I did a double take and realised it was from a "lady" named Juliet Juliet. I felt compelled to respond.

Quote:
Nice to meet you.

How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss Juliet ,i know that you may be surprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing from ( world google ) looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we may become partner and i will like to have a business with you..
Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
business i am waiting to hear from you soon.
kiss regards Miss Juliet
Quote:
Juliet Juliet, I can safely say you have the least imaginative parents I've ever known existed. I am terribly sorry for all the hardship you have endured as a result of this unfortunate naming incident. I'm also terribly sorry to inform you that, at this point in time, I do not work, and as such found that question extremely offensive. This offense stirred a rage in me the likes of which the world has not seen since Genghis Khan. The sorrow continues - I'm also a very dishonest partner, the most dishonest partner you'll ever hear from (in fact, I'm not even sorry for a single thing I've apologised for - I'm sorry to have lied to you). I shall not exchange pictures with you because that would make me feel like a trading card, and I am not a trading card; if I WAS a trading card it'd be a really cool one, a card with a great attack that always wins every battle. You can feel free to send me pictures, though, so when I update my contacts I can assign a thumbnail image to "Juliet, Juliet" or send them to my friends and say "haha look at this poor lass, her name is Miss Juliet, and her first name is also Juliet, how unfortunate is that?" so we can all enjoy a laugh at your expense. It's also with considerable regret that I inform you I do not have any kind of business, so you may not have a business with me. Unless by "business" you mean "baby", in which case I would not like to have a baby with you either. That's a very personal and upfront thing to say in an email, too - I'm offended once again.

I've reached Spartan levels of anger by this point and I'm typing in between throwing my laptop around the room and stamping on chinchillas, so I shall bid thee farewell, Miss Juliet.

Kiss regards indeed.

-FT
/EDIT

To make this perfect, absolutely PERFECT, if a few of you feel adventurous please email juliet1983love@yahoo.in saying something like "ha ha we heard about your name, we're all having a good laugh at your expense!"
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Old 29-10-2010, 08:27 AM   #7
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

Done. It's a pit these will go nowhere.

Quote:
Dear Miss Juliet, I have heard about the unfortunate nature of your name through a friend and was compelled to write this. As you have no doubt suffered much ridicule (possible as an example, being called Double J, which could be reference to either your extremely large fake breasts, or calling you a man, after professional wrestling star, Jeff Jarret) I offer you an idea.

The idea is simple, what you need to do is this: you send emails out to random strangers and offer them a 'business' arrangement, one so good they can't possibly turn it down, then, as they are in the absolute palm of your hand, you take all their money and use said new monies to legally change your name, perhaps to Pam. Or Jordana. These would stop any future bullying instances and leave you with some money left to spare, this remaining money could be used for a breast reduction, thereby taking away all those previous school-ground insults out of your life.

I hope this has helped you, as I honestly can't imagine what you must be going through with such a horrid name, Juliet, Juliet. I hope only for good things for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin, Kevin
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Old 29-10-2010, 09:06 AM   #8
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

That is awesome Fat Tony / Dave.

Love these lines:

I'm also a very dishonest partner, the most dishonest partner you'll ever hear from (in fact, I'm not even sorry for a single thing I've apologised for - I'm sorry to have lied to you).

this remaining money could be used for a breast reduction, thereby taking away all those previous school-ground insults out of your life.

I'll send her an email later
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Old 29-10-2010, 01:39 PM   #9
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

LOL DA, that was awesome!

She replied today, rofl... nothing too funny, just about staying at a reverends and asking for my details, so I replied again.

****WARNING****
I am not proud of myself for this, I have said possibly the worst thing I have ever, ever, EVER said, and I will pre-empt any cries of "you're racist!" with "no I'm f**king not". I will also pre-empt any cries of "you're gross!" with "yes I f**king am but I did warn you in big bold letters of this fact".


(FYI, she attached a pic that I have similarly attached, and the keen-eyed may spot that her surname has suddenly changed )

Quote:
My Dearest.

i am very happy to saw your mail.

I am Miss Juliet Mamado a 27 years girl ft5.6. wt 54 i am the only daughter of Late Dr. Paul Mamado from Rwanda in Central Africa, who died during the war in my country My father was the personal adviser to our former head of state.

he is the owner of Mamado industry (LTD) before he was assassinated alongside with my mother on a cold blood one morning But i managed to escape for my dear life and ran into (Dakar) the capital of (Senegal) and i am residing here now and i live in the church. here is like refugee camp. Meanwhile, I am writing to you now in a Reverend's computer and will like to know you the more before we move forward from here I will like to know what you do for a living.

In this Church, we are only allowed to go out from the Church only on Mondays and Fridays of the weeks. Its just like one staying in the prison, I hope by God's grace with your help i will come out here soon. i don't have any relatives now whom i can go to. all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.

The only person i have now is Reverend. Steven Emam who is the Reverend Minister in charge of the church He has been very nice to me since I came here but I am not living with him rather I am living in the woman's hostel because the Church have two hostel one for men the other for women. The Pastors Tel number is ( +221-771744553 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting**************+221-771744553******end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting**************+221-771744553******end_of_the_skype_highlighting) Feel free to call me through his number between 8am to 7pm London time and if you want to contact the Reverend his e-mail address is ( reverendstevenemam@yahoo.in )

so If you call tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel.

As a refugee here I don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country. I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

I have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you latter, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount in question is $5.3million. (five million three hundred thousand dollars)

So I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it i can travel to your country and live and tell me your( % ) percentage for your help in this transfer.please I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me.

So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember I am giving you all this information due to the trust I deposed on you I like honest, understanding and God fearing people,truthful and a of vision, and hardworking. I will like you to send me your full contact as.

1) Your Full Name
2) Your Full contact Address

So that i will use it in contacting the Bank about you and to have more trust in you.

Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest
Thanks and remain blessed.

Yours in love.
Juliet.
Quote:
I've had such bad experiences with reverends and black people. A reverend raped me once, very brutally, and a black person was poking me in the ribs as he did. When he finished, leaving me filled with the creamy white goodness of Christ, the black person covered me with the creamy white goodness of whatever it is you people worship. The experience was terribly harrowing, and I never returned to that school again

-FT
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Last edited by Fat Tony; 29-10-2010 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 06-11-2010, 03:50 PM   #10
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Re: How do you deal with salesmen...

Ahh so they aren't all Nigerian generals. lolololol
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