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Old 20-11-2013, 05:10 PM   #1
Rasher

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My name is Rasher and I am different.

My name is Rasher and I am different.... from what I was over a year ago.


We have a LAN coming up in two days, which is partly why I am posting this, so people know what to expect.


This post may not be for everyone's liking, please do stop reading if it upsets you.


Last year , November 28th my mother passed away and its been one of the hardest years of my life so far.


I have lost friends and family before and even helped a large number of people with bereavement, including on these forums.

But nothing prepared me for what happened last November.


First of all let me say, I have a fabulous family who have supported me all the way, my two kids to which I donít need to explain to most of you what they are like, they are just brilliant and Linda who has given me massive amount of support over the last year.


Since the loss of my mother, I felt like a piece of me had been removed, I still feel there is a gaping hole inside me.


For me to explain this so people understand, I became ill about 10 years ago, my mother became a large part of my caring team, while I had Linda and the two kids, she was always there in the daytime for me (as they was at school or work)

To start of it, Linda and I found out that my mother was living on her own in a place with no friends, we asked her to come and live near us, in our small town so we could take care of her and so she could see and spend time with our kids.
Around 1 week before she moved to our town, I got ill with an illness which just got more and more debilitating as each week went by, so we went from planning on looking after her, to her looking after me.

She would come around in the morning to wake me up and if I was having a bad morning, she would just sit on my bed either stroking my leg till I woke up (which could take a while due to the medication I was on) or she would just sit at the end of my bed and start knitting till I woke.



She would make sure I had everything in the daytime that I required, from food, drink and even TV.

All the times I gave up hope, she was there to push me to fight it.

She would take me for all my hospital appointment (as I couldn't drive at the time due to the illness)

For those of you who remember ITV's Game Stars Live Show we did in London, she even drove me down to that.


Hardly a day hasn't gone by the last 10 years where I haven't spoken to her each and every day, if not in person, then by phone, till the last year.


She used to pick the kids up from school when I was too ill to do it (she did that solid for about 3 or 4 years at one stage) and used to come over to the house and cook us dinner when Linda would be working abroad.

Not going to say her cooking was the best, but at least we got to eat


Since last November, I have hardly been able to leave the house, in total probably looking around 7-10 times I have left the house, due to just struggling to get out due to panic attacks.

You have to keep in mind, that since the illness itís been hard for me to get out and about, as I require someone to help with the wheelchair, once again, my mother was always there to do that for me.


To be really honest, I genuinely do not understand why I feel like this or why I have felt like this for so long, to me it just doesn't make sense, but itís here and won't go away.

I really do want to be with her, but I have a lot of commitments here, my family which is what is keeping me going.

Because of this my mood does swing quite heavily some days, I really don't have the patients I used to have, even talking to people, I just want the conversation to be over as quick as possible so we can move on to the next thing, that isn't a reflection on the people or conversations themselves, I just don't like dragging things out like that at the moment or staying on one topic too long.

My memory has been affected quite heavily at times and I still find it hard to stay concentrated on just one topic/conversion at a time, just feels like my brain is racing through all bits of information with everything.


The other problem is I have found, the happier I come across to people, the harder, well the come down from that high is, events like gamescom really took it out of me, I just couldn't handle having to pretend all day that I am happy as the same as normal.

Due to this I have pulled away from a lot of people over the last number of months, but will be planning on coming back slowly with some of these things.


Since last November, again for no reason why I can think of, I just cannot sleep continuously for more than four hours, believe you me, itís been driving both Linda and I nuts.

Even with a sedative which normally knocks me out for around 6/7 hours, I still canít sleep, same with alcohol (though I donít mix the sedative and alcohol)

Things are still going to take a while to get back to normal.


Why am I posting this?

Well part of me wanted to tell you part of my story, the other part wanted to explain whatís happening with GameGrin and GameOn.


Between November and January due to me taking so much time off and neglect to the website, the website took a massive dive.

This is the part where we took on Ewok (Ross) to take over my role as Editor and run the website.

Since then we have taken on a Penguin (Emsey) and Kaostic (Kris).

These guys have done a tremendous job with the website keeping it going and they have had to put up with a lot of my shit including pretty bad mood swings at times.

I have been back for a number of months now, but things are moving fast now for the us all, even with four of us, were struggling to get all the work done.


The magazine, that is been running fine and even through everything I kept that going in the background as its was and is still one of the most popular magazines on the kindle.


The LAN, well I knew I wouldn't be able to run LAN's for a while, so we had been asking around, looking for someone to take over the LAN's while I was taking time off, but no one really has seemed interested in doing so.

As of now, Tig will be taking over helping organize the LANs and hopefully will be able to help us with future events.



We still have a lot of plans for the future with LANs, I just need someone else to help us organise and run it, I just can no longer do it on my own.


So please don't be surprised or offended if I have to leave in the middle of a conversation at the LAN, itís not because of you, I just struggle sometime to keep talking, the same with if I am supposed to get back to you, chase me up, I have a lot on my mind and do tend to forget whatís going on very easily.


I will be making another post asking for help at some point.


You have to understand, that I am genuinely not happy, I just have to pretend a lot and I wanted to be honest with you lot as I am meeting up with a lot of you this coming weekend.


My motherís name is Pat Greenfield, she will always be remembered in our lives and thoughts.
She was much more than just a mother to me, she was a mother, a friend and a carer.
I just miss her so much and I am trying not to lose this fight.

The LAN is going to be hard for me this weekend, but I know I can get through it with my family and friends.





(sorry if I have missed peopleís names who have helped, it wasnít intentional , just too many name to post.


(Mods feel free to edit/spelling/grammar changes etc. as I have struggled to re-read though this.)
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Old 20-11-2013, 05:41 PM   #2
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Sorry to hear that mate, I didn't realise things were that bad, Hope things turn around for you soon mate.

I can help out where ever needed so feel free to shout.
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Old 20-11-2013, 07:11 PM   #3
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Honestly, I didn't know it was as bad as you've described. I know you've had trouble with sleep and attention span, but didn't know a lot of the other things.

I've more helped out because GO/GG was there for me, even though I rarely needed the help offered. Just been doing what I enjoy really. Games, writing, what more could I ask for?

If anything, this post has made me want to move into the next part of 'my life' (god, I fucking hate it when people say that) even sooner.

Keep up the good work mate; I can't even imagine how hard it is for you but just don't forget that you've got a whole community (may I remind you, that you built up) behind you, should you need them. Don't hesitate to use them, abuse them or whatever else ends up in your dirty little mind. I know you're a fairly proud guy, but it's okay to actually let people see what's underneath, especially in times like this.
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Old 20-11-2013, 10:17 PM   #4
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Really sorry to hear that man. I hope things pick up for you soon.
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Old 20-11-2013, 10:32 PM   #5
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Sorry to hear this Rash, had a lot of things happen over the past couple of weeks myself and although I can't imagine what it's been like with everything I can certainly relate to the feeling of withdrawl and poor concentration/memory, I know on the level I've been at it's been difficult at times to say the least so I completely understand.
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Old 21-11-2013, 11:21 AM   #6
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

It must be hard to say some of that stuff out loud. I wish you all the best mate , not realy sure what else to say :|
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Old 21-11-2013, 11:46 AM   #7
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Honestly struggling to find something to say other than wishing the best and that thing looks up soon for you. Chin up mate we love you no matter what. <3
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Old 21-11-2013, 03:40 PM   #8
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Cheers everyone.

I have been working on keeping myself busy, from the website to spending a fair amount of time with both of the kids.

Luke and I have been working on a lot of 12v projects
Jess and I have been working on camera projects

Just trying to busy and change my routine from what it used to be, I hardly watch TV or films in the daytime anymore, as I used to do that a lot with my mother.

Don't be afraid to speak to me at the LAN and don't be afraid to bring anything up, I am trying to face up to things, not hide from them, so you wont be pissing me off by talking about past stuff.
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Old 21-11-2013, 04:59 PM   #9
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rasher View Post
so you wont be pissing me off by talking about past stuff.
Dress shopping included?
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Old 22-11-2013, 07:00 PM   #10
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

You know where we are. We are Family.

We're looking forward to seeing you, even for a moment.

T x

P.S My name is Tigger and I am different too.
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Old 22-11-2013, 11:12 PM   #11
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

Rash, its been a pleasure being your friend over the last 10 years, even if I have managed to skip a few LANs and not been involved as much with the site as I used to be.

I think I can speak for almost anyone on the board when I say that it will be difficult to imagine what you have been through, or going through, but we all are behind you 100%.

You've changed the lives of so many people, simply by bringing them together on the boards and at LANs. We've met friends for life and we will always know where it started and who to thank.

Be yourself, noone expects any different. This post explains alot, but noone will want you to be any different.

Much love and respect.

Bryan


p.s. You're still a knob ;-)
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Old 14-12-2013, 10:22 AM   #12
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Re: My name is Rasher and I am different.

I'm really sorry to hear that mate. I hope all is well.
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